I wrote this post on June 6, 2017.
I was in between my times at Mayo; I had finished up all my appointments and had to wait until July to go back for Pain Rehab.
I never published it because it is RAW.
Vulnerable.
But I feel like I need to.
I have been experiencing a lot of bad hours lately and this is the perfect reminder of how far i've come.
That they remain only bad hours, or minutes.
Not a bad day or a bad life.
There is nothing serious going on.
Just feeling that melancholy Christmas spirit hard this year (if you didn't already know, I do not enjoy Christmas).
I'm also feeling anxious for some upcoming activities.
Today was a good day.
It is my Mom and Dad’s 31st wedding anniversary.
31 years!
Nuts.
Marriage is hard; i’m proud of them.
I’m lucky it was them who taught me how to love.
They are unconditional.
(Click HERE for what i believe to be the theme song to their love. I'm adding this in present time.)
I posted a photo of them onto Facebook tonight.
Like usual, posts about my parents earn a lot of traction.
Always.
I guess you could say people love them.
But not as much as I do.
As the likes and comments started rolling in, I became more and more upset.
More and more insecure.
Why do people go bananas over posts about them.
EVERY.DAMN.TIME.
Literally, you people attach to that shit like a leech.
Because it’s happy feel-good news.
That’s why.
God forbid I post about the hard times they’ve had in their marriage.
Nope.
You wouldn’t want that.
In fact, I bet you’d ignore it.
Act like it never existed.
I get it.
Nobody wants to see the real life shit.
Instead, we choose to live in a fantasy world where we share 5% of our actual life and act like it’s fucking perfect.
I’m guilty of it.
We all are.
I mean, really…who wants to get online at night after dinner is through and scroll through a bunch of people’s bullshit about the bad day they had.
Nobody.
It’s depressing.
Sometimes heartbreaking.
Always annoying.
We often sit behind our device rolling our eyes, judging how others live telling ourselves, “They think they have it bad; they have no idea what hard is.” " I can't believe they are mad about that." "They are so dramatic." "They should be doing this..."
We make ourselves the victim.
In a situation that doesn't even need to exist.
But what we forget to remember in those moments is that those are their feelings, not ours.
We all feel things differently.
There is always going to be a better and a worse scenario.
But that isn’t our place to judge.
If what somebody says bothers you, don't read it.
If somebody does something you wouldn’t, don't watch it.
Remove yourself.
Don’t dwell in your own pity party.
Don't make yourself the victim of somebody else's life.
That place is miserable.
I was there 30 minutes ago.
I was mad.
Upset.
Hurt.
So many people clung to this post, spreading like after like and comment after comment.
And while that makes me so happy, it also hurts.
Why couldn’t the people who are close to me contribute to my #everydaymay posts but they throw their spear into this one?
I mean for Pete sakes, I have had tons of people reach out who I would never expect to which is so heartwarming, but what about those friends and family who I expect to and never do.
I get it.
Health can be hard.
It can be sad.
Which in my eyes, is just one more reason to reach out.
More supporting one another, less judging.
Or deeper yet.
Less worrying about what others will think if we support something they wouldn't.
So, yes…
I sat here on my kitchen floor with my cat in my arms about ready to cry and throw myself a damn pity party that probably would have ended with a lot of ice cream and puffy morning eyes. (Pre-deMilked era.)
But then Keith came in and reminded me of something.
He reminded me that while I would move mountains for the ones I love, not everybody has the same heart as me.
NOT EVERYBODY HAS THE SAME HEART AS ME.
Or you…remember this! It can save a lot of misery.
And he’s right.
He’s so right.
But it’s hard.
It’s so fucking hard!
I can’t just turn it off like a light switch.
& while you can't change somebody's heart, you can choose who you share your life with.
You can choose your reaction to every situation.
Remember that.
Make sure your relationship is a two way street.
Don’t let people suck the fucking life out of you.
You have way too much to offer.
Find those that matter.
Find those you matter to.
Side note 1: I have insecurities. I have bad days. I question my worth. I am human.
Side note 2: To my flock members who are private on social forums but have reached out “behind the scenes”, I love you…I haven’t forgotten.
Side note 3: My worth is not controlled by likes or comments. My worth is sometimes controlled by my own mind (even though I know it shouldn't be). Sometimes it will veer and it can get hard to see your worth when those who you think should reach out never do. But should they really be reaching out and sharing your joy with you or do you just wish they would? That is a balance i'm learning.
Side note 4: It takes a lot to pour my thoughts out and actually publish this shit. The only reason I do, is for that one person it reaches who needs to hear it and know they aren’t alone.
Side note 5: I only let it be a bad hour, not a bad day. Remember this!
Side note 6: While it is important to find those who matter, it is just as important to find those you matter to.