Hot dog, get ready.
There is some self love practicing wisdom coming right at you.
It's about ready to smack you right in the middle of that damn stubborn face of yours.
& dammit, I know the majority of you need to hear it so put your listening ears on.
This is not the post that was supposed to go up tonight, but inspiration hit.
Wham bam thank you ma'am. Here it is.
Ready?
"Walls keep everybody out. Boundaries teach people where the door is."
MIND BLOWN.
I'm not sure another quote has ever resonated with me so much.
Okay, that is most likely a lie. I'm a quote gal.
But...at this time, in this season of my life, this one takes the cake.
I've done this, we all have.
We do it to avoid hard conversations and the ultimate ego stroke, vunerability.
We do it because of hurt feelings.
The list goes on and on, I won't bore you with them.
Instead, let's talk about how to go from building walls to boundaries.
DISCLAIMER:
Some walls are necessary.
Let's be honest, I don't want to hang around somebody who constantly makes me feel like I am less than dog shit. It's depressing. It's degrading. It does not inspire me to be my best self. Why anybody would wish to make somebody feel this way is beyond me. If you are in a relationship like this with anybody...a parent, a spouse, a friend, a co-worker, etc. I am sorry. Build the damn wall.
However, most walls in my life (& I'm sure yours) have been built due to lack of communication.
It's actually disgusting if you think about it.
Why do we do this to each other?
We end up getting so hurt by things that never even happen because of the way we interpret what other people are doing.
Have questions? ASK!
Have concerns? ASK!
Why do we make assumptions about somebody and the way they live and how they handle situations before we even know their story.
I often hear people use the phrase, "Well, that's different. They did it because of xyz." Essentially making an excuse for why it is okay when they do it (or a close acquaintance for that matter). Really? Come on. That's a load of crap.
A lovely example of miscommunication:
(This is a small but important scenario. Obviously there are many other examples of miscommunication in our relationship that are much deeper than this; like I'm seriously going to share those. This isn't meant to be shallow and taken like we don't have any issues other than surface level. Get real. Marriage is hard. Communication is hard. Combine the two. It's even harder. But it's also a lot of great things too.)
About a year ago, Keith asked me one evening as we were making the bed (in the most snotty teenager voice I think he could ever muster), "Why do you always give me the shitty, raggedy old pillowcase." I could tell he was feeling about two inches tall during the interaction. It caught me so off guard because I'm the one with the shittiest, most raggedy old pillowcase known to man. Why? Because it's super soft, broke in and like velvet on my skin. Over the past two years I felt like I was being greedy with the best pillowcase in the house. Every damn time I put that thing on my pillow I thought about sharing it with him, but I kept it for myself, giving him what I thought was second best. Now just imagine if he never said anything. He would still be feeling like he was unworthy of a nice pillowcase. What misery.
My point here is, TALK.
Be vulnerable
Have the hard conversation.
It may be difficult and uncomfortable, but the result is so much more rewarding than living in a trough of assumptions for eternity.
Set boundaries.
If a topic comes up about your personal life and you are uncomfortable discussing it with that person , simply say you don't want to talk about it. Hopefully they will respect that.
I firmly believe any conversation that will make a relationship better between two people is one that needs to be had, but I also firmly believe in privacy around certain topics. You should never be guilted into spewing information about your personal life just because somebody asks. If it doesn't involve them, you don't have to share.
If something is upsetting you, ask the question. Have the conversation. Don't waste your days making assumptions. It makes for such miserable days. It leads to anxiety. Unhappiness. Shutting down. Wall building.
We talked about this a lot at Mayo PRC. We talked about when it's okay to build them and when we need to let them down. It's a work in progress. Everyday I chip another little piece of those walls away. Some are permanent and I have learned to accept that, but most of them are crashing down. But here is the important part...don't forget to replace those walls with boundaries.
Boundaries = Self Love
Those who love you will understand.
Honestly, if you are surrounding yourself with like-minded, self-loving individuals, chances are they have boundaries of their own.
That's when you know they are your people.
They accept you and your boundaries and you accept their's.
By the way. Keith has the white, crisp, stain free pillowcase of his dreams now.
Remember, "Count your Rainbows, not your Thunderstorms!"
xoxo Kirsten 💕