Holy shit.
I had to check myself last week.
This girl got herself all riled up.
This year we spent twelve days in Mexico.
I was actually ready to come home this time.
For very few reasons, which included:
My bed and pillow.
The parasite that bombarded my digestive tract and gave me the opposite of constipation for seven days.
My kitties. I love my kitties.
That's it.
We got in late last Sunday.
It felt like magic.
Everybody was already home for the night.
It was quiet (besides the hum of traffic on the road outside our home).
Our house sitters kept the house clean.
We got all kinds of kitty snuggles.
& an awesome night sleep in a king bed with the most wonderful sheets laid upon our bodies.
I didn't set my alarm, allowing myself the luxury to wake whenever. (Like dating after rehab, this is a no no in the pain rehab world.)
This is how the next morning went.
6:36 am wake up call to squealing hogs. (The time didn't bother me. I rise between 6:30-7 most days.)
The hogs agitated me.
My ears don't like noise in the morning.
Especially distress sounds.
Ok, really it's my mind. I don't like morning noise.
Introvert status. (I like quiet mornings. Not because I wake up on the wrong side of the bed or am not a morning person. If I am bombarded by external stimuli that is negative, my personality is to take those emotions on. Resulting in a difficult day. I try to avoid that.)
At that point, I drug myself out of my warm, comfortable bed.
Hubs sleep breathing right next to me.
I put on some warm clothes .... because cold, drafty, old farm house.
Brushed my teeth with the wrong toothpaste.
& worked my way into our guest room where I have a meditation corner.
I was putting all my power into my meditation so I could start my already bitter minded day off on a better foot.
The hogs left.
I started falling into my meditation.
Incoming.
Another farmer to pick up or drop off some cattle.
Insert cattle transfer noises and a relentless barking dog.
Goodbye stream of peacefulness.
She's agitated.
Lovely.
I peeled myself up out of my lotus position and down to the kitchen.
I drank a quart of water.
Did my morning stretches.
& started some laundry.
Time to get a workout in.
Maybe this will turn my mood and mind around.
My bowels decided otherwise.
Toilet bound.
I eventually made it through some light yoga.
Feeling at peace I decided to give my meditation another go.
It was quiet around here.
Everything was loaded and the boys were off doing their daily tasks.
Keith still in bed.
Only the dog to worry about.
Wrong.
Jeff Shady pulls in with his annoyingly loud, red, flatbed pickup.
& leaves it running.
For way too long.
This thing is literally poison to my ears.
She's agitated.
So agitated.
It is only 10 AM and I'm already ready to get back on a plane to Mexico.
I will never be able to explain it.
But I feel whole there.
I feel complete.
I feel unbothered.
Understood.
Peaceful.
If there is something in this world that makes you feel the way the ocean makes me feel, I couldn't be more happy for you.
Keep it in your life.
When I wake up there, I don't have to think about all the things I must do throughout the day to "have a good one".
It just happens.
Naturally.
& then it comes.
The guilt.
I am sitting here upset, mad, annoyed and agitated over a couple stupid little things when things are actually so good.
& while these things annoy me to my core and I am working on a way to control my emotions around them and searching for the right answers to where mine and Keith's life will lead us, I had to check myself.
So I grabbed my notebook and a pen and sat my ass down and started writing all the things I LOVE about my home & why I am thankful for it.
Were there tears?
Yes! Of course.
Because sometimes I beat myself up over feeling emotions that I "shouldn't".
But also want to listen and trust them to lead me to a better, happier life.
MY LIST OF GOOD THINGS ABOUT MY HOME :
I have a safe place to be.
My home is warm. Or cool in the summer time.
I have a shower.
Good well water.
A beautiful kitchen that allows me to cook nourishing food.
I have my own washer and dryer and don't have to go to the laundromat.
The people I share my home with and those who take time to come visit us.
The beautiful white barn that the sunrise comes up from behind everyday.
Close access to town.
Somebody always around to help if I need it.
Having my uncles and Dad close.
A dog that lets me know when somebody unusual pulls in.
Keith having a friend always around.
A feeling of calmness becasue my grandma was born in this house. Even though I never got the chance to know her.
Plenty of storage for all our family treasures.
Every single thing in my home.
All the memories I have had in this home.
The soft, new carpet in the living room.
The beautiful woodwork throughout the home.
The space we have for guests to visit.
The ability to get outside without neighbors watching my every move.
The creek in the pasture.
The grove.
This list can go on forever.
If you're feeling in a funk about something, make it beautiful.
Make it sacred.
Choose to see the good things.
Figure out how to manage the other.
Don't forget about everything that is great.
& maybe it won't be the right choice forever, but appreciate it while it's here.
It may lead you to something bigger.
There is always room for improvement and growth.
If you're feeling stuck, embrace it.
It's probably teaching you the lessons you need for your next chapter.